The Solution to Gross Tan Lines: or, Why Tory Looks Like a Ho When She Runs

Okay, yeah, I'm basically a vampire. (But the cool-scary 'Salem's Lot kind, not the fruit-tastic Twilight kind.) My mom started me using a moisturizer with SPF when I was 13 (just as she was starting to get wrinkles), crying out, "You will THANK ME for this when you're MY age" [dashes to mirror; pulls frantically at face]. Since that started me off on the right (pale) foot, I've worked pretty hard over the years at maintaining my translucence. After all, if I've been using sunscreen every day for the last 10 years, why try to get tan, ever?

The problem becomes, of course, that if I get even the vaguest smattering of rays, I instantly burn/tan. Usually I avoid this by staying inside, but since I started running, that became kinda tricky, and I doubt the residents of our apartment complex would appreciate me running the halls at 6 a.m. Or at all.

Now, I'm not opposed to getting a little bit of color (because honestly, you can see all my dang veins and it's actually pretty gross), but running does not afford the best tan lines. Have you noticed what most people wear on their legs while running in the summer? Shorts. And have you noticed where most shorts (at least on girls) end? Mid-thigh, which is just about the widest part of the leg.

Hello, yes, these are definitely my legs.

Now add the slightest tidbit of UV rays, and what do you get? Let's just say, this is an artist's representation (term "artist" used loosely) of what I look like in a swimsuit in the summer:

Except my inner thighs are snuggle buddies.

Do you hear that? That's the sound of my thighs screaming at you "WE ARE RIGHT HERE, THIS IS WHERE WE ARE, LOOK RIGHT HERE DAMNIT BECAUSE ALL YOU CAN SEE IS THIS CRAZYBAD TAN LINE INSTEAD OF TORY'S SMOKIN' HOT BOD ELSEWHERE AND THAT IS TOTALLY THE TRUTH (ESPECIALLY THE HOT BOD PART)."

BLARGHITTY and HARRUMPH.

Which leads me to my confession: I mayyyyy have been showing some butt cheekage on my run home from work tonight, but it's only because I had my shorts rolled up to *HERE* in order to avoid that stupid thigh tan line. Which is a perfectly legitimate reason to dress like a ho, a'ight? A'ight.